Writing Your Own Vows
Have you decided if you are going to write your own vows or recite the standard vows told to you by the officiant?
When I got married back in 2009 we decided that we would recite the vows from our officiant. We told ourselves that we didn’t want to have the pressure of remembering what we would say, and what if your vows were not as good as the other!? Looking back on this decision I can tell you we made the wrong choice, and if I could change anything about our wedding it would be to write our own vows. This is saying a lot since we had tornado warnings and torrential rain for most of our reception, but more on that in a later post, back to the vows…
“There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice” -F. Scott Fitzgerald
If you follow us as at all you know that we strongly believe in the quote above. If each great love is unique then how can our vows be standard issued? The lead up to this momentous moment is dulled with the standard phrases you are told to say to each other. A great love should not require coaching from the officiant, but should be inspired by your story and the moments that have brought you to this point. Your vows should be as unique as your love, don’t take the backseat at this important moment and take the easy way out. Sit down and truly dig deep, think about all the feelings you have, the life you want to build together, and the support you will provide to each other. Through this reflection eventually, your vows will flow from your mind & heart. Whatever you do not get discouraged, do not tell yourself that you can’t do this, and break down the barriers you have to express yourself in front of a crowd. I guarantee when you re-live your wedding through your wedding film, the words you spoke to each other will bring back all the butterfly’s, emotions, and feelings from that moment and that is priceless.
Photo by Kelsey Gene Photography | Video by North Forest Media
Breaking down your writers block.
At this point, I hope I have inspired you to write your own vows, if not keep reading as you may find it isn’t as hard as you think. I have scoured the web to compile a list of tips to open your mind and write your wedding vows.
Discuss your expectations.
Talk to your partner and come to an agreement about your expectations for your vows, answer these three questions to get started.
How long will the vows be?
Will you share inside jokes or would you rather keep things more generic?
Do you want to incorporate elements of traditional or religious vows into your own?
Find a quiet place to reflect.
You need to truly have a clear mind and minimize distractions and stress. Find a time where you are free to sit back, relax and think about your relationship and what makes it special. Think about the future and what excites you the most about building your life for each other. Reflect on the kind of partner you plan to be, how will you support your partner during the good times, and the bad.
Make a list.
It is very difficult to sit down and just start writing your vows. Start small and breakdown the reasons you love your partner, the important moments that have brought you to this point, and what you are looking forward to most once you are married. Take your time and revisit this list a few times and highlight what points you feel strongest about.
Highlight the lows just as much as the highs.
Relationships are not easy, sometimes we fail to recognize the importance of the low moments. For it is how we react and work together to make it through the hard moments that allow us to experience the great moments. Don’t be embarrassed about sharing this truth, it is raw and real. Tell your partner how you will be by their side throughout these low moments and what you will do to support them and work to make things better together.
Recognize & embrace your support of friend & family.
The statement “it takes a village” could not be more of a correct statement. I cannot tell you how many moments in my marriage where we have made it through a difficult time or had an even more momentous time because of the people we surround ourselves with. The people around you have a strong influence on who you are as a person and how you handle situations that come your way. Think about acknowledging those people in your life and asking for their support.
Make promises.
The definition of a vow is a solemn promise. This is the time to make promises in front of your family and friends. Make it known what your intent is as a partner. How do you intend to support your partner both emotionally and physically? Don’t forget to think about the small things that matter as well; holding their hand on an airplane, killing spiders, and even rubbing their feet after a long day. Sometimes we forget to promise the small things, especially when the small things may end up meaning the most.
Short & Sweet.
As you think about all the moments that make up your relationship you may quickly find yourself overwhelmed trying to fit it all. It is important to keep your vows short and sweet.
Acknowledge your imperfections.
None of us are perfect no matter how hard we try to be. It is actually our imperfections that cause us to grow as people. Mention your imperfections and how your partner compliments and minimizes those imperfections. Let everyone know how your flaws would be magnified without your partner in your life. Not only will you be showing your human side but you will also show your partner how they help balance your life.
Avoid absolutes.
Absolute statements like “always’ and “never” are unrealistic for most people. When you use these statements in your vows you are setting yourself up for failure. We as human beings make mistakes and it is very important to show your human side. Highlight your intentions and how you will strive to be the best partner you can be.
Laugh.
Make your partner laugh. Some of the best moments in your lives will be because you can make each other laugh, your vows should be no different. As much as you should declare your love and promises you also need to think about the fun times and the things that make you laugh. Incorporate those moments into your vows.
Write a few different drafts.
Write at least 3 different drafts of your vows, revisit each after a few days and determine which draft you like best. Once you have decided on the best draft do not work on it more than 3 different times, you will make yourself crazy and eventually you will lose your initial instincts, which are always the most real.
Practice makes perfect.
You may think this is embarrassing and weird, but take the time to practice your vows. Go into the bathroom and read them out loud while you look at yourself in the mirror. You may feel awkward doing this but it is a practice that will serve you well. Almost all great public speakers practice over and over again before they hit the stage. The more you practice your vows, the easier it will be to say them in front of your family and friends with your partner looking into your eyes.
Indicate pauses.
When you write your final vows make sure to format in a way that make you pause. There is nothing worse then a run on sentence without any points to breath, ultimately causing you to gasp for her or speed through your vows. Take the time to plan how you will say your vows and indicate cues for pauses.
Read them with a close friend or family member.
Find someone you trust to listen to your vows and provide feedback. The person you share your vows with should be someone you trust not tell others what you are planning on saying and should have a close relationship with both yourself and your partner.
Keep your vows secret from your partner.
You should not know your partners vows until the moment they speak them to you at the altar. It is an absolute amazing experience to hear your partners vows for the first time while you are surrounded by your family and friend on your wedding day
Make a fresh copy of your vows for the ceremony.
Plan ahead for issues! Print a copy, keep a copy on your phone, and give a copy to your best man/ maid of honor. Always have a backup for your backup to avoid unnecessary stress.
Don’t wait until the last minute.
There is nothing worse then rushing to write your vows with little or no time to think about what you are saying, talk about stressful! DO NOT WAIT UNTIL ITS TOO LATE TO WRITE YOUR VOWS!
“I love you”
It may seem obvious since you are getting married that you love your partner, but this is a common statement that is left out of vows. Don’t make the mistake of forgetting to say those three simple but oh so important words; I, Love, You.
One final thought regarding vows from the wedding cinematographer’s perspective. There is nothing stronger in a wedding film than when a couple writes their own vows. Capturing your vows is a momentous building block for a beautiful wedding film, we highly recommend you write your own vows and truly believe you will not regret this choice!